Legendary Days
by Marilena
Summary: A parody for usual and crack pairings!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hey, everyone. It might not look like it, but I am one of the few people in this world who liked Sakura from the beginning. The same goes for Sasuke and Naruto, although that's definitely not a rarity. :P This is not bashing, it's a _parody_. I love the characters, that's why I feel like playing with them a little. Other pairings may follow this one, depending on my free time and the reception of this chappie! Enjoy and please leave a review; they make me smile as if being treated to ice-cream, only they're calorie-free and don't melt.

I don't own Naruto and no Team Sevens were harmed in the making of this parody. Er, almost.

**Legendary day #1**

_**When Sasuke fell for Sakura**_

"Sasuke-kun…"

Sakura was excited; it was quite evident in her ever-colorful voice, now laced with a shadow of nervousness. After all these years she still felt like an insignificant pink mob when _he_ was near. Also, she was currently trying to refrain from exploding into a thousand pink mob pieces.

Sasuke had finally returned. Why and how that happened, you may ask? Well, now… The crucial questions behind his sudden appearance were seemingly ignored by everyone, including his long-term friends and former teacher. Never mind that they had all almost had a seizure until the Uchiha had the epiphany to return. Never mind that Naruto had threatened him in the past that he'd chew his right arm and make barbecue with his toes unless he dragged his sorry ass back to Konoha. Never mind that Sakura herself had nearly developed breast cancer from excessive worrying. No, never mind that. Sasuke had returned and that was all that mattered. After all, there's no need to bore the readers with a boring, boring, boring and ohmygodsoboring plot that would surely bore them to death and leave them utterly bored in front of their screens. And did I mention how boring coming up with even a basic plot is? Boring. I know. So, we're going to make a deal, okay?

Sasuke returned to Konoha………. -I know you're currently enveloped in expectant silence but let me at least have my moment of glory- ………Sasuke finally returned to Konoha………. DUN DUN DUN! ...because I _said so_!

Hee hee hee, I'm such a great writer. _Shush_, you. Back to my amazing, heart-wrenching romance.

"Sasuke- kun…?" Sakura repeated, after she received no answer for what was considered more time necessary for a normal person to process such a question and produce a reply. Sakura was well aware of that time. That's why she rarely repeated questions when addressing Naruto.

Sasuke slowly averted his gaze from the random tree he had been passionately scorching with his sizzling onyx gaze for the previous half-hour and graced Sakura with an apathetic look.

Seriously, it was like they were back to point zero, as if they hadn't saved each other's lives so many times, shared life-scarring experiences or gushed with worry- the latter mostly in Sakura'a case. In fact, Sasuke, being the cool, hot, room-temperature guy that he was, knit his eyebrows slightly. _Did he even know this girl?_

He voiced his question.

"Do I know you?"

With an audible _DANG!_ Sakura's eyes widened to perfect white circles.

"What do you mean, Sasuke-k- k-" She forced herself to include the usual _kun, _but a rivulet of blood left the inside of the body and said "_hi, fellas!" _to the outer world via her left nostril. She gritted her teeth.

"Don't you remember," she spit, fists curled and ready for the _3- 2- 1- GO!! signal_, "…your friend Sakura? Team Seven?"

Sasuke's apathetic face looked slightly less apathetic as he searched his memory. The girl took a few calming breaths, looking at the forest they were randomly thrown in because I've said it before and I'll say it again- plots are booooooring. Sakura tried to let Mother Nature calm her down. The wind was blowing merrily, leaves were rustling, flowers were shining with delicate dew-drops, bunnies were humping each other, bugs were being collected by Shino, (she unclenched her fists- it had started working,) birds were chirping, newborn puppies were rolling themselves over crap…

And then, suddenly, it stopped working.

"Oh, Sakura… Right. The annoying, good-for-nothing fangirl. I remember now. And I vaguely remember you getting even uglier at some point… It must have been the haircut," he concluded.

Without wasting another second, he resumed the tree examining. Because, well, he was Sasuke. And, duh! Sasuke doesn't need a reason for being cool or weird. It's not like he witnessed the annihilation of his clan or anything.

Still, Sakura didn't give a damn about his stupid past. Becayse it's not like Sakura too was understanding or caring. Nope. She was just Useless Pink Mob, hastily thrown in the series because all the other female characters that were _perfectly _suited for the main heroine role were occupied with writing fanfiction or studying for exams.

So, Sakura, the heartless little bitch, was fuming. Inner Sakura wanted to cheer her on but she was busy carefully picking newborn puppies to skin alive.

"**WHAT?"** she barked, in honor of the puppy sacrifices.

Sasuke sighed and mumbled _"how annoying…"_ to himself, hands crossed over his chest.

Then, I, the author, went to have a glass of water, lost my concentration and completely screwed over the flow of my epic romance. Oh, well. Best not to keep the readers waiting anyway.

Hee hee hee… (cough) ZOMG, THEY LUURV EACH OTHER!!123! REVIEWS!!112!1 SQUEEE!!11 (cough)

Sasuke lazily spared Sakura a second, more attentive look, and immediately regretted his words. His super ninja reflexes alerted him to the fact that his jaw was free falling to the grass below them, so he expertly caught it in impressive slow motion. Cue cool, victorious ninja music.

Sakura had changed so much since he had last seen her! She had gotten taller, and she actually had an above zero sized chest! And she was taller. And she had breasts. And she was taller. And that's about it.

Sasuke was stunned beyond words at this unexpected metamorphosis. He blinked once, twice and started daydreaming… about her in a princess dress, the sweet cinnamon smell of freshly baked cookies... two children with strawberry hair and dark eyes playing carelessly, as his wife, Uchiha Sakura, stared at him adoringly, the light cascading on her short hair making it look like the Almighty himself had spit his bubblegum directly on his love's head…

Sasuke could bear it no longer.

"Marry me," he said out of the blue.

Sakura stared at him. And then she kept staring at him, Inner Sakura holding a skinless puppy over a bowl of chow mein sauce, equally stunned.

Slowly, she narrowed her eyes in suspicion. Yet the young man didn't seem deterred by his future love's lack of enthusiasm at all.

"Marry me!" he wailed. "Let's skip together in the sunset and have hot sex on the beach! I want to remember about my past no more! And screw my raging hate for my brother, I'll go find him tomorrow to kiss and make up. The whole world is beautiful when you're in love, _o fair maiden_! Now I shall rise and we shall waltz in the forest! For... I... I... will aaaaaaaaalways love youuuuuu ouuu ouuu..."

His eyes were filled with red, bouncing hearts and he was drooling.

The hearts were replaced by starts as soon as he made a move to stand up. He also sported a brand new knob the size of a dragon's egg on his forehead, courtesy of Sakura.

He looked in wonder at his newly found love, a cute pout plastered all over his handsome features, making him look constipated.

"L- Love?" he stammered as Sakura's enormous shadow hovered over him in a rather threatening way.

Sakura took a deep breath… a very deep breath….an extremely deep breath, until she was beet red.

And then…

An eye twitched.

"_NARUTOOOOOOOOOOO, you baka!_You're going to** die." **


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This is random. In fact, this whole story is random, but randomness is good for the brain. XD

Please review!

**Legendary Day # 2**

_**Neji's tender wooing **_

It was a fine morning in Konoha.

Hyuuga Neji woke up with a goofy grin and skipped all the way to the training grounds, feeling carefree like an uncaged bird, as the sun placed soft kisses on his shiny chestnut hair-

-or not. Because, after dodging a Molotov flame and having two rotten carrots as well as half a dozen eggs thrown at my face for making Neji so out of character, I cried my eyes out at the unfairness of it all, slit a wrist or two, and decided to take drastic measures.

So, Neji woke up and slowly opened his white eyes, a stern and impassive expression plastered on his face. He got dressed, his expression impassive. He combed his hair, his expression impassive. He took care of his personal needs, his expression impassive. He ate breakfast, his expression impassive. He left the house, his expression impassive. He nodded to Shikamaru on the way, his expression impassive. But after being greeted by Jiraiya and the two hot babes hanging on each of his arms, Neji's expression finally changed.

His body tensed. His heartbeat sped up and his breathing became erratic. Soon, he was staring into the distance with his Byakugan eyes. He bit his lip forcefully.

"Three, definitely three… but- no, wait… what if…?"

Jiraiya looked at Neji somewhat concerned.

"What's wrong, boy? What are you counting?"

"SHHH! Quiet… Birds, I'm counting birds," he said, craning his neck and spinning around like a madman. "I'm scanning the area, I just detected something."

The tall man's eyes twinkled with amusement.

"Ah, yeeees… I see. I remember the time when I was doing the same, obsessing over birds and bees and the women's towels at the hot springs…"

Neji's interest was picked. Coming to the conclusion that the birds were three, period, he let himself relax and take a breather.

"Hm, is that so…?"

"Mm-hm, yes! You're not the only one! Many boys go through that phase and there is only one cure for it," Jiraiya said dramatically.

"Which is?" Neji asked, his expression yet again impassive. It switched quickly to murderous when Jiraiya tried to put a hand on his shoulder, and then switched back to impassive as soon as he withdrew it.

"Hihi, that's easy, Neji, my boy. Do you have a girl you like?" He said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Neji thought about that- he thought hard.

"Well, there is this girl I called cute once, back when my mom was still bathing me and walking me to the Academy…"

"Ah! Splendid!" exclaimed Jiraiya. "Who is she?"

"My cousin," was Neji's dry reply.

The white-haired Sennin almost started jumping up and down. He caressed the cover of his Icha Icha notebook, well hidden inside his coat's pocket.

"Cousin, eh? Hehehe… And, do you still like her?"

"I guess… whatever," the young boy replied offhandedly, quickly scanning the place for more birds.

"Great! Great! All right, here's what you're gonna do: Take this," he said, handing Neji a piece of paper, "and go find her. It's a perfectly safe, foolproof guide on how to win over a girl, authored by none other than me." He flashed Neji a wide, innocent grin. "Now, off you go!"

The Hyuuga boy looked at the piece of paper in his hands unwillingly. He had to find Hinata… but first, was that something small and feathery he could feel somewhere in the distance?

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, he spotted her unusual purple hair at the grocer's shop. 

"Good morning, Hinata," he deadpanned.

The girl turned around, startled.

"Oh..! Hi…" she whispered, her eyes slightly downcast.

Neji checked his list.

_Step 1: Make polite conversation. Look interested in her well-being._

"How's the training going? Did you manage to hit a target or what?" he asked, looking at an eggplant.

Hinata blushed and looked away.

"Everything is fine, cousin… Y-you?"

"Same."

Having completed the first step successfully, Neji proceeded to step number two.

_Step 2:__ Make a compliment about her eyes._

"Your eyes-" he began, but stopped when he got a glimpse of his face's reflection on the shop's window. He corrected himself.

"Y- Our eyes… are pretty."

Hinata dropped the tomato she was holding and blinked. Her cheeks were flushed. She avoided looking at Neji.

_Step 3: Make a compliment about her smile._

Neji fixed his gaze on his cousin.

"…Smile," he said suddenly.

Hinata started trembling faintly. He was acting so weird… She forced her lips to form a tentative smile.

"No, wider. With teeth," he requested, his expression impassive as always.

The girl could do nothing but offer him a shaky, toothy grin. He leaned in, close to her face, and clutched her jaw. Then, he carefully and very thoroughly inspected her dental structure, the pointer finger of his other hand tapping on his chin in thought.

"Hn. Now say _HA_."

Hinata, scared beyond words, obliged. Taking a sniff, Neji determined that her toothpaste was satisfactory. It smelled good, was deadly for bacteria, and guaranteed the pearly whiteness of her smile for quite some time.

He was done with the examination.

"Okay. Good. Your smile is pretty too."

Hinata hugged herself.

"C- c- cousin… are you okay?"

"I'm fine," came his toneless reply.

He checked his list again, starting to get agitated. A bird… somewhere… close…

_Step 4: Explicitly state how you're willing to overcome any obstacle to be with her._

Neji took a deep breath.

"Our fathers were twins…" he said, "and our children will probably be munching their hair and sucking on their thumbs until their thirties, but I like you and I don't mind paying for diapers for the rest of my life."

Hinata paled, her brow now sweating profusely.

And then Neji moved on to the final step.

_Step 5: Find an excuse to get her shirt off and have fun repopulating the planet._

_Signed by Jiraiya, feared Sennin, desired bachelor and sexpert._

Neji did a double take. This was going to be tricky…

"You know… I've been looking for that shirt of yours for ages. Do you think you could lend it to me any time soon… like _now_, for instance?"

Hinata fainted.

* * *

Observing from behind a nearby rock, a certain perverted hermit slapped his forehead. Grunting and mumbling to himself, he flipped open his notebook and took a look at his own list. 

_**Bondage:**__ Orochimaru / Tsunade._

_Status: Cancelled._

_**Threesome:**__ Sasuke / Sakura / Naruto._

_Status: On hold._

_**Sensei / student:**__ Kakashi / Team 7._

_Status: In progress._

He quickly turned a couple of densely-written pages. His eyes lingered on the last entry.

_**Incest:**__ Hyuuga Neji / Hyuuga Hinata._

_Status: Data gathering._

"Hmph. I must edit this…" he murmured.

A couple of minutes later, he looked proudly at his new list.

_**Incest:**__ Uchiha Itachi / Uchiha Sasuke._

_Status: In progress._

Jiraiya sighed wearily.

"And now… to find these two and give them the love/hate/fine line speech…"


End file.
